Coiffeur Tobi, Conspiring Deidara, and
by with eyes looking up
Summary: ....Acrimonious Itachi. Tobi decides Itachi needs a haircut, and goes to Deidara for help. T for language, and lost brain cells if you read this. Crack-fic, OLD.


**Coiffeur Tobi, Conspiring Deidara, and Acrimonious Itachi **

Tobi watched the random Akatsuki members lounge around from the eye hole in his ludicrous sunset orange mask, that oddly made his look like a swirly basketball.

Hidan was the all important priest, who bravely did life-sacrificing rituals. He also importantly gets free cable for the members, so he was definitely something to cherish.

Kisame, the biggest and-in Tobi's mediocre opinion- scariest member, with his giant Samahada sword, was important, right?

Itachi, the strongest of all the members, with…

'Hm, Itachi-san has long hair.' His above thoughts were abruptly cut off with a close observation , watching Itachi talk to Leader in monotone.

They finished and Tobi, in the spur of the moment, excitedly jumped up, running over and skidding to a stop in front of him.

"Hey Itachi-san, may I ask you a question?" Tobi asked, practically on the balls of his feet.

"You already did." Itachi mused to himself, but nodded, walking off with Tobi trailing behind like a lost puppy.

"Why is your hair so long? It's almost as long as Deidara-senpei's." he asked, looking up at him, having to run to catch up.

"I swear he pulls these things out of thin air." Itachi muttered to himself inaudibly.

"Itachi-san?" the mask inquired after a moment of silence.

"It…holds memories?"

"Really Itachi-san?! What kind of memories?!" Tobi asked excitedly, running in front of Itachi and holding his interlaced fingers under his chin.

Itachi cocked an eyebrow with a sweatdrop.

"Uh, old ones."

"How old are you, Itachi-san?"

"Don't you have to go annoy Deidara now?" he asks, irritated- purposely ignoring the idiotic question .

"Oh yeah! Thanks Itachi-san!" Tobi yelped, glancing at the clock and running off with a wave.

'Annoying little..' Itachi scowled, deactivating his Sharingan and walking off, refraining himself from hitting Kakazu as he walked by, talking to Leader about money issues.

---xxx---

"Deidara-senpei?" Tobi squeaked, poking his head in Deidara's workshop door.

"What, Tobi? I'm busy, un." Deidara coughed, waving his hand to clear the dust from his latest explosion.

"Does your hair hold memories for you, too? Is that why you don't cut it? Or is it because you want to be like a girl? That's what Kisame-san said." He nods, blinking at Deidara from behind his basket- er, mask.

"Hold memories, un? Where the hell did you hear-wait, what?!" he yells, turning to look at Tobi, his lone eye hinting he wanted to kill something from hearing that comment over and over.

"That what Itachi said his was for, memories, I mean, so I was just wondering-" Tobi started, but Deidara cut him off.

"No, it doesn't hold memories, hair doesn't do that, pictures do, and NO I'm not trying to be a girl, I just like it long, hmph." Deidara says indignantly, turning back to his work.

"But, that's what Itachi-san said when I asked him." Tobi argued, confused. Why would Itachi ever lie to someone as likable, and innocent as Tobi? His ears couldn't take that- it was just too much! Heartrending, even!

"Oh, well, un, that's because," Deidara said, looking at a loss for words until he suddenly got a brilliant scheme and grinned, turning to face the expecting Tobi.

"That's because Itachi-san is afraid of scissors, hmph."

One word ran through Deidara's mind…_payback._

"Itachi-san? Afraid of scissors? I would have never guessed! Poor Itachi-san!" he exclaimed, a little louder than necessary.

"Sh! Don't just blurt it to the whole world, you moron, un!"

"Oh, sorry, Deidara-senpei!" he whispered, glancing at the door.

"I wish I could help poor Itachi-san!" Tobi sighed, sitting on Deidara's stool.

Deidara twitched, but forced a smile. "But you can, un!"

"I can?!" Tobi cheered, jumping up with more enthusiasm than emotionally possible, and unintentionally knocking over Deidara's precious stool. That, in turn, knocked over the statue Deidara had labored over for the past two days.

"Yes, Tobi, you can, hmph." He said hoarsely, looking at the distorted statue in horror.

"How, Deidara-senpei?" he asks, not noticing his look of dismay.

"Oh, I'll tell you how, all right, un." he muttered, walking up to Tobi and leaning down to whisper in his ear.

Tobi listened excitedly, his face of excitement turning to surprise.

"That's a good plan, Deidara-senpei!" he exclaimed, after he was finished.

"Good, but count me out, hmph, I'm busy." He sighed, picking up his ruined figurine.

Tobi didn't hear, though, because he was already running upstairs to get ready.

* * *

PLAN A

Tobi readied his kunai, creeping up silently behind Itachi, who was reading on the couch.

Thank God his cloak was off, or this would be a lot harder than it already was.

"Hey, Itachi?" Kisame asked, walking in the room.

Tobi ducked behind the couch, hoping no one saw him.

"Hn."

"Who's job was it to cook tonight?"

"Hn."

"It's Itachi's." Hidan informed them, walking in as well.

"Hn."

There was a weight lifted of the couch at Tobi's back and Tobi heard Itachi enter the kitchen.

If he wasn't such a good boy, he would have cursed fate.

Hidan and Kisame sat on the couch just then, turning on the television.

Tobi sighed. Now how was he going to get to Itachi?

He glanced over the back of the couch to see them so absorbed, and quickly dashed from behind the couch to the kitchen door.

Halfway there, Hidan noticed him.

"Tobi, what the hell are you doing?"

"Um, nothing Hidan-san!" he squeaked, turning to face them and quickly hiding the kunai behind his back.

The kitchen door opened behind him and Itachi looked down at him, an eyebrow raised.

"What are you doing with that kunai?"

Tobi turned around quickly, scooting back.

"Um... I was, uh... just wondering if you would, uh, help me with my, uh, kunai practice?" he stuttered, sweating behind his mask.

"I'm busy."

"Oh, okay, I'll just go and ask Deidara-senpei then!" he exclaims, running off and stuffing it in his cloak.

---xxx---

"Deidara-senpei!!!" he yelled, slamming open Deidara's workshop door. Something made a sickening crushed sound and the door opened slowly to reveal Deidara's best work, smashed to look like a giant piece of paper.

"Tobi! You moron, un!" Deidara yelped, running over and kneeling next to it with anime tears.

"Oh, sorry, Deidara-senpei! But, the plan didn't work! We need a plan B."

Deidara twitched, standing up slowly, a slow grin spreading on his face at his newest plan.

'This will be his first -and last- night mission.' He thinks, turning to Tobi with a fake smile.

'Aw, Deidara-senpei forgives me! He's even smiling at me!' Tobi thinks happily, smiling pleasantly behind his ba-mask.

* * *

PLAN B

Tobi watched Itachi, keeping a close eye on him the rest of the night, until he finally put his book down and went to his room.

Tobi casually waited until only he was up to creep into Itachi's room, scissors clutched tightly in his hand.

He made his way silently to Itachi's bed, freezing when Kisame, on the other side of the room, turned on his other side.

After all returned back to complete silence, Tobi continued, finally reaching the bed with a quiet giggle.

Itachi listened for his intruders footsteps, clutching his kunai under his pillow tightly.

A small giggle gave it away and he loosened his grip.

Just as Tobi was about to cut free Itachi's ponytail, Itachi shifted, turning to look at Tobi.

They stared at each other a moment, until Itachi glanced at the scissors.

"Tobi, were you trying to kill me?"

Tobi gapes at him. "Of course not, Itachi-san! I would never do something like that! I was just, uh, giving you a surprise test!"

He could tell Itachi wasn't buying it and quickly added, "Leader-sama told me to."

"Tobi..."

"Yes, Itachi-san?"

"Get out."

"Yes, Itachi-san."

Tobi quickly scurried out of the room and Itachi shook his head before lying down and falling back asleep.

* * *

PLAN C

"Deidara-senpei..."

Deidara's eyes snapped open to see an orange basketball-mask watching him.

He yelped, falling off the bed in surprise and in a tangle of blankets and limbs.

"Deidara-senpei, nothing works! He woke up!" Tobi sighed, holding out a hand to help him up. Deidara pushed it away and stands up, glaring.

"Then figure something out yourself, I'm trying to sleep, un." He growled.

Tobi sighed, defeated.

He was never going to be able to cut off that stupid ponytail!

"I swear, I'm going to start taking drugs so you cant wake me up, hmph." Deidara continued, glaring at him.

Tobi then got an idea.

A _brilliant_ idea.

"Deidara-senpei, you're a genius!" he cheered.

"I am? I mean, uh, yeah I am, hmph!" Deidara agrees proudly, puffing out his chest.

"Thanks Deidara-senpei!" he called happily, running out of the room.

Deidara looked after him, going to his regular posture and shook his head.

"Now I have to figure out why I'm a genius." He muttered, crawling back into bed.

* * *

NEXT MORNING

"Good morning everyone!" Tobi greeted cheerfully, bounding into the kitchen.

He got groans in response.

"How can you be so fucking perky, every fucking morning? God, it's annoying." Hidan growled, rubbing his eyes and making coffee. "I hate it...and you."

"Aw, I love you too, Hidan-san." Tobi cooed, patting him on the head.

Hidan slapped his hand away, twitching. "Don't touch me, shit-head."

Tobi shrugged, watching everyone eat. Well, besides Leader, Itachi and Zetsu. Zetsu was reading a book, Leader the paper, and Itachi was carefully watching Tobi out of the corner of his eye.

'He's up to something.' Itachi mused, watching him pour coffee.

"Coffee, Itachi-san?"

"Hn."

* * *

MIDNIGHT  
  
'That drugged coffee was perfect, everyone's asleep though, not just Itachi-san.' Tobi thought, the silence creeping him out slightly. 

He opened the door to Itachi and Kisame's room and turned on the light.

They didn't move an inch.

Perfect.

Tobi walked to Itachi's bed, lifted up his ponytail, and-

* * *

ITACHI'S DREAM

Itachi was dreaming.

WELL, DUH.

Of killing his clan.

Over and over again.

How nice.

His dream was interrupted when everything swirled around him and he was sent into darkness.

The darkness below him suddenly turned orange.

He looked down slowly to see the most horrifying thing in his life.

"Tobi..."

* * *

ITACHI- NEXT MORNING

Itachi woke up slowly.

He shuddered at the thought of his dream.

Sitting up slowly, he looked around.

Kisame was still sleeping.

It was six in the morning.

Refraining himself from groaning, he walked into his bathroom and looked in the mirror.

…

"TOBI!"

* * *

IN THE KITCHEN

"Oh my god, I can't believe you actually did it!" Deidara gasped between laughs.

Tobi giggled, though barely knowing why, and looked at the lock of black hair in between them on the table.

He was just happy that Deidara-senpei was happy.

They heard footsteps and Itachi came into the kitchen looking ready to kill, literally.

He held a shining kunai in each hand.

Tobi stood up.

"Good morning Itachi-san! Do you like it?" he said cheerfully.

"Tobi," he hissed, "What did you do?!"

"Oh, I cut your hair, Itachi-san, because Deidara-senpei said you wanted it cut, but you were-" he lowers his voice to barely above a whisper, "-afraid of scissors."

Itachi looked at him, his face blank, then slowly turned to Deidara, who had stopped laughing by now.

Itachi's head sort of turned in the way you see in those creepy Chuckie movies, like in a three hundred and sixty degree circle, and he glared at Deidara.

"Deidara...I'm going to murder you."

The color in Deidara's face drained and his eye got wide. "Shit."

Tobi watched Itachi jump Deidara and smiled. "Aw, you're hugging!"

They stop and turned to look at him, Itachi with his hands around Deidara's neck and Deidara fruitlessly struggling to get him off.

"Tobi."

"Yes, Itachi-san?"

"Stay there."

"May I ask why, Itachi-san?"

"So I can kill you after I'm done with Deidara."

"Oh, okay, Itachi-san."

Tobi sat down in the chair and Leader walked in, looking pissed from what they could see.

"Who drugged the coffee?" he demanded.

"I did! Me me me!" Tobi exclaimed, waving his hands in the air.

Leader took a deep, calming breath. "Why?"

"Well...Itachi-san needed a hair cut, but he is afraid of scissors, so I tried twice and sadly failed to cut it for him. So I drugged him, but everyone accidentally drank it and they all fell asleep. Now Itachi-san told me to stay here so he could kill me after Deidara-senpei." He gestured to the pissed Uchiha who was strangling a purple faced Deidara.

"Itachi, stop it." Leader ordered.

"They-they cut my hair!" he hissed, eyes flashing, as Tobi pulled him off a Deidara, who was clawing at his throat and gasping for air.

"Then what do you suppose we do about it?" Leader asked, folding his arms across his chest. "That doesn't deal with killing."

"You should cut Deidara-senpei's hair, Itachi-san." Tobi offered, swinging his legs back and forth on the stool he was currently perched upon.

Itachi looked at him. "Tobi?"

"Yes, Itachi-san?"

"I think that is the smartest thing that's ever came out of your mouth."

"Thank you, Itachi-san!"

* * *

LATER

"Whoa, what happened to you guys?" Kisame asked, coming into the living room.

Deidara and Itachi were sitting in opposite corners, glaring at each other, but with very screwed up hair.

Tobi grinned at the both of them before looking at Kisame.

"They settled their differences, Kisame-san!"

"Tobi..." they hissed, Deidara adding an 'un' at the end.

"Yes, Itachi-san, Deidara-senpei?"

"Shut up, before we settle our differences using the excuse to kill you, as you sure as hell deserve it."

"Yes Itachi-san, Deidara-senpei."

Kisame look between the three; a happy moron, a wise guy with screwed up hair…and another wise guy with screwed up hair.

"Did I miss something?"

"Well..." Tobi started, overjoyed to be sharing his own little mission.

In his opinion, he was on top of the world right now.

**

* * *

A/N: **

**Coiffeur A hairdresser**

**Conspiring To do something wrong, evil, or illegal**

**Acrimonious Bitter in nature **

**Gosh, I made this a while ago. Hope you enjoy it! 8D Ja ne, Kiko**


End file.
